In order for me to learn how to stop dissociating, I first had to figure out when I was doing it. I had to recognize how it felt and learn to see the difference in how I felt when I wasn’t dissociating.
My psychiatrist gently guided me through this process. He often stopped me whenever he saw that spaced-out look on my face. “How do you feel?” he would ask. I described to him the numbness and fog that had overtaken my thinking, a sensation like having cotton in my head. “That’s what dissociation feels like. Try and remember that feeling,” he instructed me. After several months of stopping and noticing, I eventually got the distinction. It’s like the difference between looking at life from 50 feet up versus living life at ground level, with all its vivid emotions and bumpy reality.
We went through this routine over and over until I started noticing the dissociation before my psychiatrist did. Armed with this new insight, I began to be aware that I was dissociating all the time — at home, at work, in social settings, even when I was working out.
Next, I had to come to see dissociation as a positive skill. Befriend it.
This was harder than you’d think. The diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder was a blow to my sense of self and seemed to threaten my connection to the things I held dear: my husband, my job, my wonderful life. Coming to understand that dissociation had helped me to survive the sexual attacks I suffered as a child at the hands of my father went a long way to seeing the disorder as something helpful. It made sense to me that a child in my shoes would need to watch her life as though it was happening to someone else.
But what really helped was hearing my psychiatrist tell me that it was a creative and intelligent way to survive. I liked thinking that I was creative and intelligent. Working through it in this way, I eventually gained a deeper acceptance of dissociation as a bona fide skill.
The problem was, I dissociated automatically and had been doing so for decades. It seemed like I couldn’t stop and I wasn’t sure I wanted to. I liked feeling numb and calm. The fuzziness in my head felt addictive.
Read the rest of the blog at www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-sum-my-parts/201107/dissociating-is-watching-your-life-50-feet-the-ground
The Sum of My Parts Now Available
This memoir follows Olga as she splits herself into “parts” and develops dissociative identity disorder with the abuse, and then struggles to merge these parts and overcome the disorder in adulthood.
A Survivor’s Story Now Available
Olga’s critically acclaimed first-hand account of the impact of violence in her life is available in both English and Spanish.